I reckon this one’s almost too simple to be true: Expectations are the root of all unhappiness. I’ve been thinking about this for a few years now, and I’ve yet to come up with a counter-example. The only time we’re ever unhappy is when we had an expectation that our lives would go a certain way, and that expectation wasn’t met.
Conversely, of course, whenever we’re happy it’s because one of our expectations was exceeded.
Another way of saying this is that every unhappiness you’re feeling today can be traced back to an expectation you had some time in the past - an expectation that wasn’t met - and that if something’s making you happy today, it’s because you didn’t expect that thing (event, person, object, relationship, etc) to turn out as well as it did.
The Buddhists almost have it right. They reckon that desire is the root of all unhappiness. Rid yourself of desire, they say, and you’ll never be unhappy. I don’t believe that’s entirely true. There are a lot of things I desire, but I don’t necessarily feel unhappy that I don’t have them. Replace the word "desire" with "expectation", and they’d be spot on.
We all have our expectations of Life. There are people out there in the world who would be happy - happy to the point of praising God for their good fortune - if they managed to get one plate of warm, healthy food per day for a month. Most of the people reading this, if they were restricted to one plate of food per day for a month, would curse whomever was responsible. I know I would. And of course there are many rich people out there that would feel desperately unhappy if they were forced to live like I do today. And yet I feel completely happy with my standard of living. It revolves around our expectations.
I think it’s probably fairly clear that happiness has nothing to do with how much stuff (money, possessions, etc) you have. I would expand on this and say that it also has nothing to do with how easy your life has been. There are people that have been blessed with "good fortune" their whole lives - who have never had to live through any significant tragedy or difficulty. Interestingly, these people don’t seem any happier than you or me. On the other side of the coin, there are people that have lived through Hell, and yet today are some of the happiest people in the world. What can account for this?
There are many ways we come by our expectations. Our parents are responsible for a great many, and we collect a great deal from media and advertising. All those movies, TV shows and ads we see, populated by nothing but beautiful people whose lives always turn out perfectly at the end of the episode - what sort of message is that sending to our collective unconsciousnesses? When everyone on our television is gorgeous and perfect, and then we look at our own lives and see that the people in it are often far from gorgeous or perfect, we end up thinking there’s something wrong with us. The U.S. Constitution virtually guarantees that we should expect wonderful lives. U.S. citizens have, after all, inalienable rights to "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." Is it any wonder that the States are full of 300 million people all desperately trying to be somebody? If you’re not somebody in the States, there’s something wrong with you! How mysterious this must seem to a resident of Japan or India, countries where it’s perfectly fine to be exactly the same as everyone else. How definitely un-mysterious that Americans are amongst the unhappiest people in the world.
I have some things for you to think about…
- Have a think about the last time you were unhappy, hurt, pissed off or disappointed. Can you identify the expectation that was missed? Can you do the same for your last moment of happiness, delight or joy?
- Of course, the number one expectation that humans carry is "that Life will continue into the future the way it is today". Have a think about that one. Are you guilty of that? Most of us are. What is that expectation you’re carrying today doing to your chances of future happiness?
- Can you free yourself of expectation? That would be to live totally in the moment, not thinking of the future, approaching Life with utter spontaneity. I’m saying that such a life would be truly happy. Interesting to note that’s exactly how many very young children live…
- Can you come up with any counter-examples to my theory? I’d love to hear about them. Please let me know (using the comments system below).
Dom Says:
May 2nd, 2005 at 6:26 pmVisit Dom
I just wanted to say that I couldn’t agree more and have had this same belief now since it was pointed out to me by my boss some 12 or so years ago.
Gageless Says:
May 3rd, 2005 at 10:37 amVisit Gageless
I think, to a certain degree, your assertions are correct. When expectations are not met, (in most cases) they will cause displeasure in he who expects. There lies an obvious counter argument here. You assume, with error, that expectations are formed with a positive outcome in mind. This is wrong. While expectations can represent the wishes, dreams and hopes of the individual, expectations can also arise merely as the manifestation of the most probable outcome in any given set of circumstances. Allow me to give an example citing real world data: The Bali 9 have been detained in relation to drug smuggling activities. The common expectation here, and indeed that of the 45 who were caught with heroin taped to their bodies, is that those guilty will be executed. This is the most probable outcome and therefore the one that we arte all expecting.
Should the Bali 9 be found not guilty or should the prosecution seek imprisonment instead, through some minor miracle of legality, they would not receive the death penalty.
…
Their expectatations have not been met but it is difficult to think of them being unhappy (unless, of course, they truly believed themselves guilty and deserving of the death penalty). Instead, its a rather safe assumption given the frailty of human character, that the failed expectation would directly bring a mix of positive emotions to the accused. Next to relief would surely be happiness. This is one such counter argument.
There are many cases where this counter argument can be used.
1. Just the other day, I walked into my boss’ office after a grievous mistake. I expected to be sacked. I wasn’t. Am I unhappy because my expectation was not met?
2. The man who referred me to this website was, only 2 months ago, angry at me for a personal reason. I admit that, when I received his letter in my in box, I expected the worst. I was happy to see that it wasn’t (though I still wonder as to his motives for driving me in the direction of a thread such as this). My expectation wasn’t met yet I remain happy.
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On the flipside, and beating a seperate path from the main argument, I’d like to draw attention for a moment to the mirror image of this argument: That we are happy when our expectations ARE met. Again, the exact counter-arguments apply, albeit when reversed, thus proving the hypothesis.
Mark Says:
May 3rd, 2005 at 12:49 pmVisit Mark
Quite correct, Gageless. Unmet expectations can indeed produce positive levels of happiness. I should have been clearer. Let me express it like this:
Whatever level of happiness or unhappiness you’re feeling in a given moment, it’s directly due to the fulfilment or otherwise of an expectation.
Gerry Says:
May 4th, 2005 at 12:53 pmVisit Gerry
Where you say that the Buddhists almost have it right, that desire is the root of all unhappiness. I’m not sure that that is exactly what Buddhist philosophy says. I think it is more that desire moves man to act and that actions cannot but have certain results, both happy and unhappy. And that the results are not all apparent in one lifetime, and that this life manifests the results of actions in previous lives. Your comment suggests that whatever unhappiness we experience is the direct result of our desires and that they bring only unhappiness. And in that sense, substituting the word ‘expectations’ doesn’t change it much.
river belle Says:
January 18th, 2006 at 1:23 amVisit river belle
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Cheers,
Wayne
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January 18th, 2006 at 8:36 amVisit Mark
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incarcerus Says:
March 31st, 2007 at 3:42 pmVisit incarcerus
Ah well, why do you think an Arahath ( i.e. an awakened Buddhist monk ) cried “Aho Sukham, Aho Sukham!” - “Oh what joy! Oh, what joy!”
The Buddhists have it completely right.
The root of all unhappiness is ignorance, that is, not knowing, not seeing, things as they truly are.
Dependent Origination, Mark, Dependent Origination!